There is a gap in this city between where the scene actually organises and where the dating happens, and hardly anybody says so out loud. The organising is in private threads and group chats that you enter because somebody already knows you. The public platforms hold everyone who has not been added to one yet, which is a polite description of what I have been for six years.
Thirty six, Brooklyn, submissive. I have met perhaps a dozen people off the public platforms and every one of them turned out to be exactly as far outside as I am.
I do not think this is a conspiracy. People who have been burned close their doors, that is sensible, and I would probably do the same in their position. It does mean that the standard advice to simply get on the right app describes a route that stops well short of where anybody actually is.
What I want is an ongoing arrangement with somebody settled, service led, weekly if it can be. I would also take an honest conversation about how the inside of this city works as a consolation prize.
Not looking to be somebody's guest at things I have not been invited to. Not looking for a shortcut that involves making myself useful to strangers. And not looking to pretend the public platforms are the whole picture, because they plainly are not.